Dearly Departed Leader
Kim Jong-il, affectionately known as “Kimchi” among close enemies, died on Saturday from “a great mental and physical strain” on a “field guidance tour” of the People’s Paradise of North Korea.
“We feel as if the sky were falling down and the land were sinking,” announced the Korean Central News Agency (KCNA).
“Like a bolt from the blue”
Kim Jong-il was born on Mount Paektu in 1942, a miracle that was predicted by a swallow and foreshadowed by a double rainbow. Just three weeks later, the Dear Leader learned to walk. At eight weeks old, he began speaking.
propagandist colleague explained, the Dear Leader “possessed of personality and qualifications as a great man on the highest and perfect level was an outstanding thinker and theoretician who led the revolution and construction along the path of steady victories with his profound ideologies and theories and remarkable leadership.”
That leadership propelled his career as Chairman of the National Defense Commission, General Secretary of the Workers’ Party, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army and Beloved Inventor of the Run-on Sentence.
Kim’s father, the Great Leader Kim Il-sung, founded the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea in 1948 after reading George Orwell’s 1984. Upon discovering that it was not a trilogy, he decided to create the live-action equivalent, but with funnier propaganda and better haircuts.
In 1994, Kim
Jong-il inherited the kingdom along with the most severe daddy issues in the dictator club.
The DPRK quickly descended into economic crisis and three years of famine that killed a handful of people and continues today. The crisis hastened new economic programs, including the export of children’s tears, and ultimately reinforced the country’s philosophy of juche, or self-reliance, which was also Kim Jong-il’s World of Warcraft handle.
Juche became the underpinning for North Korea’s nuclear ambitions. Kim announced his first atomic bomb in 2006, which led to a brutal game of nuclear just-the-tip — just for a second, just to see how it feels — deteriorating relations with South Korea and the outside world. He later offered to denuclearize in exchange for foreign aid and 8,000 copies of The Devil Wears Prada, but reversed his position when Miranda Priestley called his Stalin-chic onesie “so last famine.”
A consummate film lover, Kim made his cinematic debut in Team America: World Police, in which he explored the themes of leadership and loneliness as a dictator loosely based on himself. Ignored by North Korea’s film critics, the film gained a cult following in labor-camp movie screenings and opened up new opportunities for the dictator-artist, including a prominent role in North Korea’s “Party Rock Anthem.” He later made headlines for
kidnapping inviting South-Korean director Shin Sang-ok and his actress wife to help him realize his dream of producing films in the DPRK.
The Dear Leader wrestled gracefully with the idiosyncrasies of genius. He suffered from a reported fear of flying, preferring instead to take trains and cars, which offered more legroom than Economy Plus on Koryo Air. A sophisticated gastronome, he spent a reported $700,000 annually on cognac as the single largest consumer of Hennessy in the world, exceeding LA Laker Ron Artest and rapper Tupac Shakur.
Kim Jong-il leaves behind a body of work unparalleled in the modern world. He authored 1,500 works as a university student, including the coming-of-age tale Are You There God? It’s Me, Kimchi and the child-education book Not Everybody Poops. His six operas — written in only two years — are “better than any in the history of music,” according to his biography, which is now available on Kindle.
“We are under respected Kim Jong-un”
“Standing in the van of the Korean revolution at present is Kim Jong Un, great successor to the revolutionary cause,” explained the KCNA. Officials dismissed concerns about Jong-un’s youth, then remembered that they had left him in the backseat of the van.
Officials went on to praise Jong-un’s resolve, intelligence and cultural literacy, and dismissed rumors that he is the estranged lovechild of Horatio Sanz and Sandra Oh.
“Our party and people will strive hard to boost friendship and solidarity with the peoples of different countries,” the KCNA stated — unless those countries pursue destructive interests such as food and happiness.